This is a tough article to write because I’m sharing something that parents have told me when they’re feeling particularly vulnerable. As always, I will maintain the confidentiality of the parents and children throughout the article.
Many parents contact me when family life has become really hard. I’ve had parents tell me they preferred spending time with one child over another. I’ve had parents tell me they regretted their life choices. I’ve had dads tell me that spending fifteen minutes with their child feels too hard.
These thoughts are painful for parents to admit out loud because alongside these feelings often comes guilt, shame and sadness. Deep down, the love for our children is still there.
So, if you’re reading this and thinking that sounds like me, please know that you are not alone. Feeling resentful does not mean you’re a bad parent. Usually resentment builds slowly.
Perhaps you’ve been walking on egg shells around your child, or you dread the school pick-up. Maybe family outings or bedtime are a source of worry because you already know what your child might say or do. Perhaps your child constantly pushes your buttons and situations keep escalating.
Over time, parents can move from enjoying time together to simply surviving it.
The problem is that children struggle to behave well when they feel disconnected from the people closest to them. But parents also struggle to feel connected when behaviour has become a daily challenge and feels disrespectful, thoughtless towards others or emotionally exhausting to manage.
When this happens, both parents and children can become stuck in a cycle of stress and disconnection.
The good news is that connection can be rebuilt.
Here are five things you can start doing today to reconnect with your child and regain confidence.
1. Be determined to stay calm
This will not be easy.
But if you can become determined to stay calm, the spotlight can stay on your child’s behaviour rather than your reactions.
When we become overwhelmed, frustrated or angry, situations can quickly become a battle between parent and child rather than understanding what is actually happening.
Staying calm can also help reduce some of the guilt you may be carrying because you know you are responding in a way that aligns with your values.
It also helps you notice patterns:
When does the behaviour happen?
What triggers it?
What might your child be struggling with?
Understanding often comes before change.
2. Learn parenting techniques that work for your child
Every child is unique.
What works brilliantly for one child may have very little effect on another.
Children have different personalities, temperaments, sensitivities and developmental needs.
Learning strategies that suit your child can help you tackle the issues causing daily stress instead of feeling like you are constantly firefighting behaviour.
3. Carve out daily connection time
Aim for around fifteen minutes a day if possible.
If that feels unrealistic, start with ten minutes or even five.
During this time, put distractions away and spend time doing something your child wants to do — ideally away from devices.
Play with them.
Chat with them.
Follow their lead.
The goal is not to teach, correct or manage behaviour.
The goal is simply to reconnect.
Because children often behave differently when they feel seen, valued and connected.
4. Use descriptive praise
Take a moment to write down the behaviours you would love to see more of in your child:
- cooperative
- caring
- helpful
- confident
- thoughtful
- hardworking
Then make a conscious effort to notice and describe these behaviours whenever they happen.
You may need to lower expectations initially.
When family life has become difficult, parents can understandably become focused on correcting problems.
Your challenge is to become a detective for the positives.
Instead of:
“Good boy.”
Try:
“I noticed you helped your sister without being asked — that was really thoughtful.”
It can feel difficult at first, but it is incredibly powerful.
5. Remember that children are wonderfully different
An important thing to remember is that children are all wonderfully different.
Temperament, personality, sensitivity levels and stage of development all play a role in how parenting strategies land.
Often, even evidence-based methods need small adjustments to fit the child in front of us.
As someone who teaches parenting strategies, I help parents understand not just what to do, but how to adapt approaches so they work for their unique child.
Because families deserve to enjoy spending time together again.
And if family life has started feeling harder than enjoyable, support is available ♥️
