As a mum of three, I’ve seen firsthand how the dynamics of a household often follow the pace and development of the eldest child.
It’s a phrase I come back to time and again with families I work with: “Your family is the age of your eldest child.”
What does that mean?
It means that younger siblings are often exposed to books, activities, conversations and even responsibilities that are more appropriate for their older brother or sister. That six-year-old might skip some of the more “childish” pursuits their older sibling enjoyed at the same age, simply because the environment has moved on.
The ripple effect of one child’s behaviour
In many families, one child’s behaviour begins to dominate the emotional atmosphere. Whether it’s defiance, anger, tantrums or anxiety, this child often becomes the one who receives the most attention – understandably, because you’re trying to help them or keep the peace.
But here’s where it gets tricky: siblings notice.
They observe how behaviour gets responded to. And sometimes, they begin to imitate the challenging behaviour, not out of malice, but because they see it as a pathway to attention or connection.
As a result, parents often start to feel like they’re in a loop: the child who struggles most gets the most energy, while others begin acting out too, either to compete or cope. The balance shifts. You start to feel like you’re constantly firefighting.
When helping one child feels like you’re losing the others
In an attempt to manage the challenging behaviour, you may find yourself giving more time, more emotional energy, and more flexibility to one child, while unintentionally reinforcing the very behaviour you’re trying to reduce.
Meanwhile, the other siblings begin to sense that “being difficult” equals being noticed. And this can be deeply worrying for parents who feel like they’re being pulled in multiple directions.
So what can you do?
- Start with the root
Tackle the behaviour of the more challenging child using consistent, compassionate discipline – progressive strategies that get to the root of the behaviour, not just the symptoms. - Set clear boundaries for everyone
Make rules and expectations visible and consistent across the family. When everyone knows where the lines are, children feel safer and more secure. - Notice the positive
Make a conscious effort to catch all your children doing well, even the quiet ones. Attention doesn’t just reinforce difficult behaviour, it also strengthens positive behaviour when used intentionally. - Spend 1:1 time
Even 10 minutes of individual, undivided attention with each child can reduce competition and help them feel seen.
Need support?
If you feel like your family is stuck in a cycle, you’re not alone and you’re not failing. With the right tools, insight and a fresh approach, it’s possible to reset the tone in your home and help each child thrive.
I’m The UK Parent Coach and I help parents tackle their child’s challenging behaviour, rebuild connection and create a calmer, more connected home.
Want to talk? Book a free call.
